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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29042589">I tried to escape but keep sinking</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/pseuds/denisiya'>denisiya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Downton Abbey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phobias, Spiders, they're okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:42:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29042589</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/pseuds/denisiya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not only about the spider.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I tried to escape but keep sinking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>1) non-native speaker.<br/>2) half of tumblr cries over Thomas' business with spiders.<br/>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"And?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has to tell him. But how? Sorry, our wall is now covered with the small legs and skin of that spider? Sorry, I killed a living thing? Sorry, I should've let you do it instead of me?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thomas, I'm only upset because of the dirt."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Richard is standing there, trying to wipe it with a wet cloth. Such a white wall, they've been painting it for quite a while as it happened to be hard to apply the paint smoothly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's different for me." Thomas's sitting on the chair with the basin. He looks at the cups with a cold tea that were left on the table right after they had seen the spider. After </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thomas </span>
  </em>
  <span>had seen the spider behind Richard's back and exclaimed as if it was a huge animal and not a small insect.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"One killed spider affects you more than I would've thought," he says as he wets the cloth. The dark and sticky spot is right on eye level, it would need another paint if it doesn't come off. Or they can hang their new photograph.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The spot is not big but pretty visible, the spider was bigger than the ones that Thomas usually could've met. It must’ve eaten all flies, they haven't heard any annoying humming for a while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's not just about the spider," he mumbles. He hears how Richard turns to him and then sees the man kneeling next to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Then what is it about?" Richard says taking the basin from Thomas' knees and placing it on the floor. Then he reaches for his cup and takes a sip of the cold tea. Thomas finds cold tea disgusting, but Richard usually doesn't care, he constantly needs to drink a liquid no matter what it is. Not strong ones, thankfully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"All I do is destruction," Thomas says almost sniffing. Gurgling in Richard's throat stops, his gaze finds Thomas'.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What destruction, Thomas?" he asks lightly, with a tiny worried smile, as if he misheard it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Richard, everything that I've ever been doing was attacking. I killed a small insect that had no danger to me when I could've just brought it outside to set free. I didn't even want to kill it, it just… happened." He looks him in the eyes and feels tears coming. It's too much. "That insect could've happily continued crawling on this wall if not being spotted by me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Spider is not an insect."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Spiders are not-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I've heard the first time," he clicks his tongue, "it doesn't matter."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Richard sighs and puts his cup back on the table. "In that case, all of us are monsters for stepping on hundreds of ants while walking outside."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's different, don't you see? I </span>
  <em>
    <span>smashed </span>
  </em>
  <span>it on purpose," he exclaims. "I've always been like this with people for no reason, never gave them any chance, they had nothing against me before that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But you thought they had."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What does it change?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It changes everything, Thomas." Richard takes Thomas' hand. "It's normal to attack first if you feel danger. It's a coping mechanism, survival instinct."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Is it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Especially when it's a maid who's never even imagined that she could provoke someone to joke about her. Especially when there are new workers who don't know anything about Thomas yet and they try to be friendly. Especially when it's a little creature that lived its life and wanted to return to its corner peacefully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Deep down, I knew that none of them was going to hurt me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Some of them eventually did, Thomas."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And now he is crying. He only realises it when he sniffs with a stuffy nose, cheeks are uncomfortably wet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His head leans forward and rests on Richard's chest, the man practically catches him embracing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I truly only wanted to carry that spider outside," Thomas manages to murmur.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know, darling," Richard answers stroking his hair, “I know.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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